Ten Stages Of Grief
by ReadWriteFangirl
Summary: There's ten stages of getting over the one who got away, there's ten stages before it becomes bearable. THere's ten stages before you stop crying, and there's ten stages before you crack a smile. Ten stages can be the difference between life and death. But ten is just bigger than nine, and one day she used to be mine.


**_Author's_** _ **Note: So I decided to write this.**_

 _ **Don't ask why.**_

 _ **I don't know.**_

 _ **This is Bechloe, because on a technicality it is a relationship.**_

 _ **Have fun, and review!**_

* * *

 _ **Denial.**_

"Don't bother." Stacie says from her seat on your couch. She's sitting there, her own phone in hand and telling **you** how to sort out your life. It isn't any concern for Stacie, she shouldn't care. "She's gone, Beca."

 _Deny it._

 _It's not over._

 _Call._

 _Text._

 _Email._

 _Give Up._

 _Repeat._

 **Beca [13:45]:** Chloe. I know you're on your phone, I know you're there.

 **Beca [13:46]:** Don't drop me like this. Don't you dare do to me what Tom did to you.

 **Beca [13:47]:** I know you're not on set yet, I love you, Chloe.

 **Beca [13:47]:** Why can't you just see that?

You feel Stacie moving closer, and suddenly her arm is around your waist, pulling you closer. "Beca, you're better than this. I know you are." Your best friend begins to stroke your hair, and you mask the tears that begin to fall within her shirt. You're strong. You don't need her. You're Beca effin' Mitchell.

You sigh, "I let her in."

But you're alone. You heart feels limp. You try to imagine the rest of your life without her auburn locks, the mornings without her cerulean eyes, the day of your anniversary where you won't be celebrating.

Stacie hugs you that bit tighter, "and you can shut her out again, Becs. I know you. I've known you since middle school." You stare at the floor, as if you can see the million tiny pieces of your fragile heart; each one aching to be safety pinned back together, _again._

Shaking your head, you attempt to stand up. You fall back onto the couch, a grunt escaping your lips at the feeling of the force. This was Chloe's side, this was Chloe's cushion. This was Chloe's place to call home, and her place to hide. And she threw it away, away with you, discarding you like an old legal pad of Aubrey's.

 _Quick._

 _Easy._

 _Unsentimental._

 **Beca [13:49]:** We could have the world.

 **Beca [13:50]:** Just give me another chance.

You're just a piece of imperfection in a sea of models.

"I don't deserve this." Your voice is hoarse from holding back unshed tears, "I gave her everything. I'm the reason she has a career. I thought I could trust her!" Your anger is obvious as you take a picture frame from your coffee table, taking the paper from within and ripping Chloe from it. "I need a burn pile." The anger is laced within sorrow. "I need her back."

"She loves me." Now you're lying to yourself.

"I love her." You wish you were lying to yourself.

"We'll be happy." Your denial is ridiculous, Chloe owes you nothing, and here you are, begging for her to come back.

 **Beca [13:55]:** I love you.

 **Chloe [13:56]:** Beca, stop messaging Chloe. I'm blocking your number now - A.

You can't blame Aubrey, but you keep sending your messages anyway, just hoping for a response from the one person you need to hear from most.

* * *

 _ **Blame.**_

"Y'know Stacie, if I wasn't such a fucking hot mess, I wouldn't be in this situation." You're sitting on your bed with Stacie, a six pack of beer bottles resting between you. "If I hadn't yelled we'd be fine. She'd be here with me. We'd be happy."

You keep saying that to yourself, in hope that it would make it true. The crumbling of your brain could cost you your sanity, it could be the end of your own career, it makes you want to **scream**.

"If I had just ordered the right take away…" Stray strands of chocolate are stuck to your face, the tears of the past two weeks leaving you a matted mess. "We'd be walking down the aisle at some point."

 _Wonder if it was your fault…_

 _Yeah, it was your fault._

 _Blame yourself._

"I don't want to feel **this way** , Stacie." You know you seem desperate; but you haven't eaten in days, and your energy transforms into a spew of bullshit word vomit, the sourness and other crap flowing by itself. "I want to DJ, to produce, to write. But I can't if all the media's talking about is my break up with Chloe Beale, the Southern Sweetheart star of _Pitches_ , or whatever."

You instinctively grab a second bottle of beer, clipping opening it and taking a gulp. "I've safety pinned my heart back together again, but how long is it until I actually find someone I want to spend my time with? Who isn't you or Aubrey?" You don't drink beer, you're more of a rum and coke person. But at the end of the day, you'll get drunk whatever — just to spend three hours without Chloe even existing within your brain. "Seeing her with someone else will crush me, no matter how long it's been."

You don't want to think of her name.

With her name comes the hair.

The eyes.

The smile,

And the lies.

"Beca stop blaming yourself." Stacie carefully removes the beer bottle from your grasp, and you sigh. "You're too good for her, okay? Chloe ran off."

"Thanks for reminding me." Your voice is laced with poison. You thought Stacie was here to help you, not make you feel even worse than you already do. You can't be picky, though, because Aubrey could be here, and she's been keeping well away from you — you're pretty sure that the blonde wants to rip your head off for 'hurting' Chloe.

Chloe's the one in Hawaii with her castmates celebrating after finishing filming.

Not you.

Dammit Aubrey.

* * *

 _ **Re-Living Interviews.**_

"Beca's great. She landed me on the pathway to fame because she believed in me and was willing to gamble on my talent." You scoff. "She's an amazing producer, she can sing too — she'd be great for _Pitches_." That interview was only two months before Chloe left, and looking back on it, you realise that's eight whole months prior to you sitting in Stacie and Aubrey's living room re-watching interviews of you together.

" _She's cute!"_

" _Beca's a great mentor."_

" _I can see myself and Beca getting married in the future."_

"God." You roll your eyes at the blonde's voice. "Beca, please stop moping."

Your teeth clench together, "I'll stop moping when you get your fucking best friend to sort her shit out."

Stacie appears in the doorway, staring you down. "Beca, don't talk to Aubrey like that." You sigh, mumbling an apology beneath your breath. "Good, dinner's done."

It had become a routine. Aubrey would cook for the three of you and you'd take a tray with your meal back to the living room to eat it. As per usual, you take your tray and walk back to the couch, raising an eyebrow when you see Aubrey and Stacie sit either side of you.

"We're here for you." Stacie's smile is reassuring, comforting. "You know that Beca, she hurt you and we're here to help you heal; we're not your best friends for nothing."

You press play on your laptop again, eyes glued to the screen instead of your dinner. "Chloe, she's a gift. A talent. I couldn't work with anyone else since she's so delightful and loving." You watch yourself kissing Chloe, and the memories all flood back.

Her lips.

Her lip gloss.

Her love.

"Hey, Beca." You and Aubrey never really got on. You respected each other for the sake of your best friends. You wouldn't consider the actress someone who was warm and fuzzy inside — instead you'd automatically think of a cold interior, much like the one Chloe had left you with. "You're amazing, and you know I wouldn't lie to you. Chloe obviously couldn't see that. Don't get put down by this one girl."

But it had been seven years since senior year at Barden, and it would be your fifth anniversary of your official first date together.

But she left.

She chose Tom.

And you chose the slow route out.

* * *

 _ **Thinking About Life Together.**_

That ring box always haunted you.

It sat there at the back of your sock drawer.

Never opened.

Never used.

It was just her size.

The proposal speech sat inside the box, so you would be prepared if you ever wanted to propose. 10 months since she left, and you still haven't written a song for Adele.

You take a deep breath and unfold the paper, just hoping that you this will give you some closure. Because Chloe chose Tom, and chose not to invite you to their engagement party. They've only been together 11 months.

"Chloe." It's a shaky start, with those tears wanting to re-emerge again, yelling at how weak and feeble you are for actually giving two shits for once in your life. "You're like a rock — I know that sounds bad, but I'm getting there. You're the kind of person everyone gets along with, but you have sedimentary layers." You pause, running your fingers over the scribbled handwriting you'd used when you finally struck the inspiration gold mine.

"Those layers make you different to me than you are to others," like Tom, you remind yourself, "you are so sweet and kind to everyone, but you too have your insecurities, and I'm not certain you realise how beautiful those imperfections you're concerned about make you." You can see the droplets on the crumpled sheet, but you just can't stop the tsunami of emotions that are taking over your nervous system right now. "I'm only good with words to music, so obviously that would seem like the normal thing to do."

You feel your heart beginning to pound

 _She could've said yes._

 _You just needed to do it Beca._

"But so much of me has been shaped by you pushing me out of my comfort zone," you swallow. "Chloe Beale, will you marry me?"

The walls of your bedroom don't reply.

* * *

 **Release An Album.**

That song for Adele still hasn't written itself, but here you are, an entire year since Chloe left.

' _Far Away From Paradise'_ is an album that basically screams, 'fuck you Chloe'. But that isn't the point of it. The whole point was to throw some sadness and despair into an album, not for it to be marketed with a redhead on the front and one of the fucking songs to be called _'Cerulean Blue'_.

Amy was a great friend, but crap at PR.

Aubrey and Stacie have managed to pull you out of your pit and into a dress, which you wear happily to the release party, on the deal that there'll be a flannel and jeans for you to change into.

You are not a dress person, and you are quite frankly offended by how good Aubrey can look in an outfit she grabbed from the thrift shop.

But this is _**your**_ night, and Chloe isn't even in California.

So you're already feeling better about it. And when the drinks start flowing, after the speeches and pompous stuff, you finally let yourself relax, as well as promising a tipsy Aubrey that you'd sing karaoke with her.

You love your friends, and they're all there for you.

Not to comfort you.

Not to bring you food.

But because you're celebrating.

Beca Mitchell has a second album, and the world is going mental.

"Good evening." You chuckle as a wobbly Aubrey leans against your shoulder. "You promised me karaoke."

"Did I now?" You grab the blonde's hand and pull her to the stage in the club. Stacie's already picked a song and hands you a microphone.

"Trust me." Your leggy friend winks before punching you in the arm — which hurts a hell of a lot more than you'd expected. "Have fun!"

As soon as the first bars of the music begin playing, you automatically freeze. You see Aubrey turn to look at you.

"Beca?"

 _Shoot me down, but I won't fall._

 _I am titanium._

You instantly shrink into a ball, and Stacie is immediately by your side. That song represents everything that the party was designed to rid from your brain, and it was all in vain.

"I'll take you three home." Cynthia Rose immediately offers, and you can't wait to fall back into your pit, because even when she's halfway across the country, Chloe still manages to affect you in one way or another.

* * *

 _ **Mistaking Her On The Street.**_

You honestly ought to be listening to Stacie right now.

It's been a year and two months since Chloe left you, and Stacie is finally considering actually proposing to Aubrey — it's only been eleven years.

"Do I get a stone that matches her eyes or mine?" You shrug, not interested in knowing about your best friend's perfect love life whilst you're still trying to get over Chloe. "Sorry Beca, I'm not thinking."

You smile, "Stacie, you and Aubrey obviously belong together, so celebrate that. Chloe just wasn't the one for me."

"Best selling album for thirteen weeks!" The idea of celebrating your album's thirteenth week in the charts is taken by the redhead standing across the street from you. "Beca?"

Your eyes follow the woman.

Auburn hair that shines in the sunlight, a figure similar to Chloe's. You're staring, you know you are, but she just look so — _**Chloe**_. That all you can think about is how long it's been since you've seen her. Since you've heard her voice. Since she's told you she loves you.

And then all hope falls from your being as you see her take off her sunglasses.

That's not Chloe.

Brown eyes.

Not cerulean blue like Chloe's.

"Beca?" Stacie frowns at the sight of you staring across the road at the woman, who was being embraced by her own girlfriend. "Hey, Beca, I'm sorry."

"It's fine," you rush out, "totally one hundred percent fine." You know that fake smile isn't fooling anyone, and you know it looks cringey and awful. But it's all you can muster before you break into sobs again.

Because you still can't force yourself to move on.

Stacie held out the ring box, smiling reassuringly as you tentatively take the velvet piece from her hand. "Here, have a look — I ordered it online and was waiting for it to be delivered so I can decide. This is the ring I want to see on Aubrey's finger.

It was a fucking rock.

And you can't help but wish you were giving a ring like that to Chloe.

But you're not, because Chloe has Tom.

And you have Netflix.

* * *

 _ **Wondering If She's Thinking Of You.**_

'Had so much fun at the Pitches premiere with my favourite people last night.'

You know you shouldn't be jealous that Aubrey and Stacie didn't tell you about the Pitches premiere, and you know that you shouldn't give a damn.

It's been 16 and 1/2 months.

And there's three more months to go before Stacie and Aubrey get married.

And sometimes you just want to give up with this life, because Chloe's happy without you, Aubrey and Stacie are happy — even Fat Amy and Bumper are happy. Your mind begins to wander, going on journeys of scenarios that could've been had you just ordered the right take away and proposed like you thought you would.

It's just the overall thought of everyone settling down, having kids, naming them things like Rose (you already know that Aubrey has that name set out for her and Stacie's first daughter). But you will always be right there, on the friend side of things, being the 'fun aunt' who babysits whilst Aubrey and Stacie go and do God-knows-what God-knows-where, and hell, you know absolutely nothing about babies.

They were Chloe's speciality.

Gabriel and Anna, you'd planned. Two kids, whatever gender, you would be happy no matter what. If you were happy, Chloe would be happy, which was perfect, you worked.

And then fucking Tom re-emerged.

It's a whirlwind of emotions, truthfully. And this past year and a half have been full of ups and downs. For you, your career, and your sanity.

There's one month left until Stacie and Aubrey's wedding, the blonde having everything ready months in advance (she'd made the reception venue booking the previous year). You know that they'll be excellent parents, the balance of work and home in their careers leading to a healthy family life.

But it isn't their thoughts you care about.

It's hers.

Because she's there, at the premiere, with her ring and tiny baby bump, and you just want to stab Tom in the face — you're a mature adult.

But maybe that's why Aubrey told you to avoid coming, because Chloe was going to be lovely with her fiancé, and you'd be alone, most probably babysitting.

You fucking hate Tom.

No amount of interview watching can persuade you that he's a good guy — both Jesse's and Luke's opinions on him being a nice guy were out of the window and in London at this point.

* * *

 _ **Re-Open Space In Your Heart.**_

There comes the day where you through the engagement ring you bought in a river. It's twenty minutes before the beginning of Aubrey and Stacie's rehearsal dinner, and all you can relish in is the fact that you're throwing a part of your heart away.

"Maybe that's what needed to go so you could get over her." Aubrey's hug catches you by surprise, and you smile whilst returning it. There's a feeling of sorrow in the air, but at the end of the day it feels like you've just been set free, which is something you really needed to sort out before you were Stacie's best woman.

It's 18 months since she left, and you're finally on the mend. You will always feel sad and lonely because of what's happened between you and Chloe, but this action was one step towards the new life you'd allow yourself to have.

"I'm proud of you Beca." Aubrey's words to you are sincere, and you try to avoid crying on her dress. "She doesn't deserve you."

"Thank you." Your words are quiet. "Thank you for everything these past few months. I have closure and I'm ready to find someone new."

Stacie joined the hug, "you're amazing Beca, you're funny, talented, interesting." Your eyes continued to threaten tears, so you swallowed forcefully. "It's okay to cry, Beca, this is a milestone."

"It is." Aubrey echoed, wiping her own eyes carefully before she wiped yours with a tissue. "We're so proud of you. Some days we couldn't even see you getting out of the past year alive."

"I owe you guys so much," you're all being sincere, and you know that they will always be here for you.

* * *

 _ **Watch Her Be In Love**_

 _You don't want to watch, so you decide to be proactive. Stacie and Aubrey are merrily chatting to their parents, so you move across the room, finally finding her._

" _Hi." You start, your nerves causing your palms to begin sweating. "This is our song, I was wondering if you wanted to dance with me?"_

 _Her hair is shorter now, stopping at her shoulders. You can't help but notice the baby bump, but it's to be expected. You take a deep breath whilst you wait for her answer._

 _Love's a funny thing._

" _I'd like that Beca." You instantly smile at her acceptance, "it's been so long!"_

" _Yes, it has." You look at the table, swallowing when you realise that she'd obviously not going to forgot this — she_ _ **is**_ _pregnant and sober, after all. "You two are obviously well."_

 _Her smile is infectious, as always, and you will always melt at the sight of it. "We're here for Stacie and Aubrey, let's leave Tom and I out of this." You nod, before letting your ex-girlfriend over to the dance floor._

 _It's taken you over a year and a half to prepare for this._

 _But here you are._

 _Dancing to Titanium._

 _Your eyes widen comically as you relish in the fact that your bodies are so close together, your eyes staring one another down._

 _You feel yourself leaning into kiss…_

"Beca! Open up for God's sake!" The shrill voice isn't one you want to hear. "Beca I am serious right now, I _**will**_ come in there."

Then your hotel room door opens, and your bed is immediately attacked by a blonde five year old. You groan and roll over, but Rose is so damn resilient, she sits right in front of you and places a sloppy kiss on your forehead.

"Hello Beca!" You groan, and when you open your eyes the sight of both her mother's' green eyes make you want to pull the pillow back over your head. "Do you like my dress?"

You nod, mumbling a sound that is similar to, "mhmm…"

"Beca." You finally remove the covers from your face, and sigh at the sight of Aubrey in front of you. "Look, I know you're probably thinking, 'why is Aubrey here, she's a horrible person for allowing this to happen'. But honestly, Chloe is happy, and I know you will be happy one day. Maybe she wasn't the one for you, maybe you'll have to find another."

You shrug, "I mean, thanks for reminding me that Chloe is marrying Tom today." Your dream is still forefront in your mind, and the sight of Rose's _Brave_ pyjamas isn't helping the situation. "But I have to deal with it, right?"

"I'm sorry Beca."

Aubrey's words are genuine.

You know that.

But you love Chloe.

She was yours.

* * *

 _ **Letting Go Of The Past And Embracing The Future**_

Of course you still miss her.

"Beca, burgers are done!" It's Jesse's voice which pulls you from your daydream beside the pool. "Seriously Bec, it'll all be gone." You look around at the sight before you — Rose, now nine, is playing with Benji and Emily's three year old beside the pool, Amy and Bumper disappeared a while ago, Jesse has taken charge of the barbecue and Stacie was trying to get Aubrey into the pool.

You're a dysfunctional family.

But you like it that way.

"Food, come and get it!" Jesse's voice carrying to your ears make you sigh. Sure, you thought that you'd still be with Chloe right now. But you have your friends, you're Rose's aunt, and you're happy.

"Aunt Beca, can you have a diving competition with me?" You are the smallest there after all, and Rose's face is so much like her mothers that it makes her smile.

"Of course I can, Rosebud."

You look around as Rose hurries off to get you both a burger, and you run a hand through your hair.

There's joy, happiness and love.

Sure, Chloe isn't there.

But who said this wasn't just as good?

You hear the sound of heels echoing through your house as the owner makes her way onto the patio.

"Beca, I love you."

 _ **They were the ten stages before she came back to you.**_


End file.
